blowjobs for beginners

She approaches the bus stop dressed in her missionary best. A sweet-looking woman, grandmotherly—though not all grandmothers are benign, and she is not. She is slightly self-effacing, almost shy. As she reaches into her appropriately black purse, she seems to be struggling. No doubt, a wise doctor would diagnose social anxiety disorder and medicate her. But she manages.

There is an intricate choreography to this ritual, and each step adds up. Watch carefully.

She removes a sheaf of tracts, walks up to passengers at the terminal, and begins to hand them out. Gently. Like a present. No one dares refuse the gentle old woman, who, it seems, barely speaks English. English is not the language of bus stops, here. Not here.

Her body speaks for her. Take the tract—the tune of “feed the birds” from Mary Poppins comes to mind. Save your soul. Her silence, her submission to the power of the tract, to the eloquence of her body, to her belief in her task, all of this emerges as a semi-halo.

I am reading Thomas Holt, The Problem of Freedom. A big book. An academic and academic’s book. I carry books everywhere, often academic books. This is how I catch up, although I am always falling behind. Still.

And I resolve not to take a tract. Perhaps this is mean. But I do not endorse whatever she is selling, and I refuse the implicit bludgeoning, the public disapproval that will attend my refusal.

She approaches. I refuse.

A young man, perhaps my age, slightly older, I noticed him earlier because he has a beautifully thick body. He chastises me: “All knowledge is good knowledge. All knowledge is good knowledge. All knowledge is good knowledge.” A mantra.

It is a challenge: academic book vs. tract. But also a challenge based on evaluation. Book learning, so called, does not compensate for other kinds of learning. The fool has said in his heart that there is no God. (I am still grateful to bible school and a random memory that lets me remember bible verses when needed.)

Where are the blowjobs? Provocative titles disappoint. Judith Butler’s Lesbian Phallus taught me that.

I wonder, now, whether the more appropriate response to such provocations would be to propose a barter trade. Your tract for mine. Puns intended.

To the “Have You Heard the Good News?” We might barter, “Have You Felt the Orgasmic News?” To “He’s Coming!” We might barter “He’s Cumming!” To “Love Everlasting” barter “Love Ever Lusting.”

After all, just because statistics claim Christians have more sex doesn’t necessarily mean Christians have better sex!

As trash romance books have taught me, the blowjob is the height of heterosexual sex expression. Who am I to disbelieve books that have higher sales numbers than whatever book is considered a bestseller?

And so, my first tract, ready for barter exchange: blowjobs for beginners.

Thank you for telling me about eternal life. Here’s a little something to enhance the next thirty minutes of your life.

Tract exchanges: the new way forward.

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