What Happened This Summer: An Homage

I did not visit Cucu. She died last year. And also that other Cucu died. And you know, the other one, me I don’t like her. And I did not climb any trees to pick fruit. Though I spent the summer with fruits and fruit-lovers. I did not fall out of the tree that I did not climb and did not go to the hospital where I would have discovered I had a fracture that would have made it impossible for me to go to the library to get the book that I needed to complete my book report.

Sorry.

Robbers came. But we were at home and so they went next door. They were from Tanzania and so they were very polite. They said “tafadhali” and “asante,” and had a cup of tea with the neighbor’s wife before they took his belt, his wallet, his phone, and his car keys. The car had no petrol. So they returned it and took his wife instead. He offered them his daughter, the one with a good heart. They were very polite. They said they could tell she had a good heart. And then they took his wife.

I swear this is true. I did not read it in Drum or True Love.

On the day I went to the forest to get wood to make the drum I was supposed to make for music class, I met Wangari Maathai. She was planting trees. She told me that getting wood woud lead to deforestation. And I would be destroying the future. I believe in the future. I don’t want to destroy it.

My uncle, the famous folk-artist, came to visit. Like you had asked, I asked him to tell me about our traditions. He told me that it was bad luck to count things in our culture. It’s not that I didn’t want to do my math homework. But I want to respect culture. You said it is very important to respect it.

And then my friend Carol was caught doing bad manners on the beach at Laguna Bay Malindi, with a beach boy. He had rastas and used to be married to Terry McMillan. His nickname is DL. Oprah said Carol’s parent’s were very worried and sent her for a VD test—they ask you to spit in a cup and if the litmus paper turns yellow then you have been doing bad manners.

Carol refused to spit in a cup and then, in the gymnasium, she got splashed with pig’s cow’s chicken’s blood pink lemonade and a fire broke out. I escaped through an underground tunnel that had been dug with a spoon. And that is why I have scars on my face.

Kamau will say that he beat me up. That is not true. Kamau wants to do bad manners with Carol. She is my friend, not his. Anyway, he doesn’t even watch Danger Mouse!

I went to Church every Sunday and on Easter the minister, Mutiso Camden, said that his daughter, Lucy Biel Camden, sinned when she dressed in short shorts in that film. But that he forgave her. And that the twins were now growing into big boys. He also told us not to lie.

So you know everything I have written is true.