I received (in error) a letter that fascinates me. Its trajectory is worth remarking. In between every few sentences, picture a slightly creepy, ripped-from-hallmark picture of a little white girl, present in the original version—I choose not to reproduce those images here. The creepiness will become apparent. I claim responsibility for all parenthetical remarks. Okay, most of them. Some of them I ventriloquize friends and colleagues.
First: A lesson in the Language of GIRL
When a GIRL is quiet … millions of things are running in her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing … she is thinking deeply. (ahh, GIRLS, either arguing or thinking deeply)
Then, a lesson in the language of GIRL and U
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions … she is wondering how long you will be around. (the essential question is always about attachment and abandonment)
When a GIRL answers ‘ I’m fine ‘ after a few seconds … she is not at all fine. (were she really fine, she’d take fewer or more seconds to answer)
When a GIRL stares at you she is wondering why you are lying. (you dirty rotten bastard!)
Then, a lesson in Love Languages
When a GIRL lays on your chest .. she is wishing for you to be hers forever. (The closest I’ve come to this is my friend’s cat, Sophie, lying on my chest, and I think she just wanted a tummy rub)
When a GIRL wants to see you everyday… she wants to be pampered. (greedy Girls, always wanting something pampering!)
When a GIRL says ‘ I love you ‘ .. she means it.
When a GIRL says ‘ I miss you ‘ …. no one in this world can miss you more than that. (“missing you, missing you / till you come back to me”)
Now that partners have been trained, GIRLS, listen:
Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person …. (we are informal again; notice the “u”)
Find a guy .. who calls you beautiful instead of hot. (and if a woman calls you beautiful, hot, or sexy, well, that’s just unthinkable)
who calls you back when you hang up on him. (yes—find that one special stalker)
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. (that VERY special stalker)
Wait for the guy who … kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. (bastard doesn’t respect your right to dress!)
Who holds your hand in front of his friends. (wait, this makes a guy special? Really? The bar is this low?)
Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns to his friends and says, ‘ That’s her!! (as opposed to, That’s NOT her!!)
And Then The Threats Ensue:
If you open this you have to repost it, guy or girl, or you will have bad luck for the rest of your life!!!!! (I was hoping to skirt this, but I suppose in posting it here, I am reposting it. Damn it! Sneaky!)
If I don’t get this back I guess your not my friend. (your definitly not ma frend)
If you have a lot of love for someone. copy and send this to your whole list. In 5 minutes your true love will call or message you. (what if I only have a little bit of like? Or even a whole lot of lust? Is sexting an option?)
Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at approx. 1:42pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. (Okay, so my “true love” “likes” me? Seriously? I go through all this to get a “like”?)
Curses and Threats Galore!
So get ready for the biggest shock of your life. If you break this chain, you will be cursed with relationship problems for the most important time of your life. (Because repetition means “emphasis,” I assume the “your life” is VERY IMPORTANT! As is the “most important time of [my] life.” This is assuming one can figure out the “most important time” of one’s life. I am very confused at this point. Dirty Dancing, anyone? Baby? Corner?)
Send this to 15 people in 15 minutes to carry on the chain…and spare yourself the emotional stress. (the emotional stress of the absence of a relationship with a GIRL during “the most important time” of my “life.” Guess I shouldn’t have gotten off at queer station on homo street. Damn!)